Divorce is usually a very traumatic phase in a person’s life. Two individuals, when they get
together first, have hopes for a bright and happy future. They visualise a life full of bliss, joy and dreams. And a lot of effort goes into making a marriage work. The initial years are usually tough as both partners have to make many adjustments. It is a life-long commitment where individuals invest themselves emotionally, mentally and monetarily.
Your partner becomes the cynosure of your life and you can’t imagine life and events without him/her. But at times, despite our best intentions and efforts, the marriage might not work out. Something goes amiss, or there is lack of compatibility or misunderstandings arise or simply the “oomph” factor disappears from the married life. Of course, the list simply does not end here.
So the deed is done. You want to follow the path that goes into two different directions. But how bumpy is the road ahead?
Divorce is mostly contemplated to be a journey full of hardships, emotional trauma, difficulties, sorrows and austerities. In reality too, the decision to call it quits is one of the most difficult decisions an individual has to make in his life. It is akin to bringing your whole life to a standstill; tearing away a part of yourself which would never really heal again and falling into an abyss which is filled with complete darkness. But once one has made this tough decision, the question is would life always continue to be miserable or can there be happiness inviting you with open arms?
Divorce is almost always not the end. It can also be the beginning to a tranquil, independent,
peaceful and better life. However, there are some steps along the way to follow:
Regaining your lost identity: In India, the first thing a woman loses after her marriage is her own identity. Even her name does not belong to herself and she needs to use her husband’s surname. After getting married, she has to compromise on her career and completely adapt to the rules and norms of a new household. She becomes a wife, a daughter-in- law, a mother, a sister in law and in the process loses out completely on her Own Self. Regaining that self-assurance can be a difficult task. Once the divorce happens she is completely on her own and finally she has the time to explore her own self and think about herself. This sense of regaining your identity always brings in happiness and exuberance.
(Re-)Connecting with your friends and family: Amongst the various compromises that a married woman makes is to crop out her relation with people she loved and cared for before marriage. Her priorities change and her husband, his family and his friends take the fore front. A divorce gives you the opportunity to catch up with people you had left behind while juggling the needs of your married life. It’s also a chance to spend more time with your own parents.
On my own terms/my independence: When two people come together, they are bound to have differences. Someone can adjust to and someone is forced to adjust to. You give up on your dreams and hobbies as they are not relevant or important to your partner. A friend of mine was forced by her husband to get up at 5 in the morning just because his mother used to get up at the same time. She was never an early riser and could never adjust to this rule created for her by her husband. Your divorce allows you to live life on your own terms again. I know so many women who started work and even education post their divorces and completely enjoyed this new phase of their lives.
End of trauma and uncertainty: When a marriage is heading towards divorce, an individual
goes through a lot of stress, insecurities and bickering. The journey is anything but painful.
Living day in and out with fear and anxiety is very traumatic. A colleague I know went through something explainable- her husband walked out on her without any notice and for almost the next 15-20 days she could not even trace his whereabouts! The reality hit her after she received a legal notice of divorce (after a month!) She tried her best to reconcile and convince her husband to come back for almost a year. As a result, she underwent depression, was financially unstable, full of self-doubt and uncertainty. But once she knew her husband was not coming back and she had no choice but to “move on”, she was suddenly at peace. She surely took her time to gather the pieces of her life together and move on, but when she did, she was mentally at peace.
Improves the bond between parent and child: When you are a single parent, you get involved in almost all aspects of your child’s life. Certain things you really never bothered about before are also of concern to you now. Single parent and child tend to share more things with each other and connect emotionally more than ever before. It means more hugs, more kisses and more good night stories.
Alone but not lonely: One might be alone in terms of not having a partner or might feel the lack of physical intimacy but that does not mean one is lonely. At times, one has to be alone to find themselves back. Once alone, you rediscover many things which you had left behind. A career, a hobby, a relationship or a memory. Loneliness does not mean being alone, in fact, loneliness arises when you fail to communicate with things or people you loved. Being alone gives you the opportunity to catch up with all of that and more.
But we need to remember that finding happiness after divorce is no plain sailing. One has to be resilient and unyielding. All weddings are not supposed to have a fairytale ending, some just have endings. What is important is that once it does end, just ‘move on’ and happiness shall not be far behind.
-Mehak Kapoor
Edited by Mrinaal Datt
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