At the very outset I should put it out there, I AM FAT. And I don’t have any qualms about admitting the same. I had a really unhealthy lifestyle and I gained weight and well, you know the rest.
But I am also the person who realized this blunder and decided to change her life. As a result, I lost 5 kgs in a month. (Yes, I did. I’ll be writing about it sometime later)
I got off my lazy ass and adopted an active lifestyle. I didn’t crash diet but opted for healthier options. That, coupled with fairly regular workouts I managed to get those numbers on the scale to drop.
But this road to transformation isn’t easy. There are times when you feel weak, when you feel like giving up, or having a “cheat day”. A cheat day that turns into a cheat week, month and soon enough, you’re off the wagon.
So I chose not to have cheat days, but to indulge in my little cravings once in a blue moon else I knew it would cause a havoc. I would binge eat and all my progress would go down the gutter. However, every time I did, I had one person constantly chiding me for it. One person who’s probably been with me throughout my lifetime who would critique this little “indiscretion” and start mocking me instantly.
This got so bad to the extent that I started feeling depressed. It was only after talking to a professional that I realised that I was being mentally abused. I had started losing faith in this journey that I am still undertaking since it is far from over. I would be told, no, nagged that I can never succeed, and so on and so forth.
We’ve all heard of trolls and spammers who have nothing to do but to hide behind their computer screens. But what do you do when that person is someone who’s closer home? Whose words matter, and hurt and make you bleed?
This is the answer that I’m trying to find out but I can’t seem to. There are moments when I want to scream into this person’s face that I’m doing the best I can so back off. But there’s also a little thought nagging at the back of my mind, “well, I brought it on to myself. Maybe I do deserve it”. So I shut up and cry myself to sleep hoping that tomorrow will be better.
But now that this systematic abuse had taken its toll on me and reached its tipping point, I had no option but to confide into a loved one, albeit very cautiously since I was afraid of being judged here too.
See, this is the problem with mental abuse, before you know it, it has very discreetly torn apart your self esteem, little by little.
However, all my worries were tossed aside when the loved one assured me that my hard work was for everyone to see and I had only two options- either to confront my fat shamer or to ignore him.
Well, for now I choose to take the high road. Why? Because this phase of being “fat” is only temporary but I’d really not like to damage my relationship with someone over their ignorance. It might sound stupid but the sad part is that we live in a country where people are judged by their weight, skin color, their placement package and their bank balance. What other option do I really have?
However, I would like to mention here at this point as I close, that do not take shit from anyone because no one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. I did and I paid for it by extremely low self esteem the past couple of days. And it is not okay for you to let anyone to toy with you that way, no matter who that person is or how much you love them because at the end of the day, the most important person in your life is you. Everything else is just secondary. Sure, you may not be the way you want to be today, so what? You are a work in progress, a version that is better than yesterday and will improve with very coming day.
It is very easy to fall into this trap of abuse because it never begins that way. It begins with little “teasing” that slowly increases and turns into abuse if left unchecked. And this applies to not only how you look but every other aspect of your life. There will always be someone trying to bully you into living your life the way they want to. And unless it is for the better, you should not fall prey to this trap, no matter what.
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