An Open letter from Rahul Gandhi to Bilawal Bhutto

Disclaimer: A Colorful Riot is not associated with any political party. While we may have our personal inclinations, we will endeavor to provide you with unbiased news. The following article is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to the living or dead is a mere co-incidence. Basically, please don’t sue us.

In light of the recent escalation of tensions in the Kashmir valley, I feel that our readers should be treated with a flux of sarcasm. With this article, I would like to take our readers back to September 2014. I hope this article penetrates your epidermis and tickles your funny bones. I would also like to apprise some of my thick skinned readers:  if your sense of humor turns positive to a litmus test, this article might cause you burns. For the sake of humor, parts of the article have been written in Hindi. I do not apologize for the same.

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An Open letter from Rahul Gandhi to Bilawal Bhutto, post the latter’s “I will take back every inch of Kashmer” comments.

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Hi, bilawal! How are you? I decided that I must write to you because your speech has gone hay wire out here, in India. The letter might upset you, but you have made life difficult for me (although it is a nice change; generally it’s my own doing). Nevertheless I too am a politician and by extension a hypocrite. I hope you understand and if you don’t- well I don’t really care.

When I look at you, I am reminded of myself, but let’s accept it- I am not as desperate a Prince as you are. I do rank among the top desperate politicians in India, but sadly Lalu ji always beats me to the top spot. Why do you shout “khappay khappay bhutto khappay” after every alternate sentence? In my interview with Arnab ji, I strategically used “Women empowerment” and “RTI” a gazillion times, but you just over do it! If he dares you, double dares you or triple dares you for an interview and you agree for one, I suggest you wear huggies diapers. I found them very useful.

Brother, you move your hands SO MUCH! (Don’t get me wrong- I am talking about the hand movement in your speeches) Gesticulation is the birth right of every Indian. Albeit, I am one of the dumber beings of my nation, I can understand your love for Kashmir and the need to get it back, but DON’T YOU DARE GESTICULATE! Do not push Modi uncle to paddle your bottom. Believe me it hurts (I still get nightmares of March). Right after the elections in his speech he said he will give a befitting answer to any Pakistani action on Indian soil. News nahi dekhta kya budhu? I watch it daily with cornflakes; when I am well behaved and talk to the media like Mummy wants me to, I am treated with Kellogs! Which is your favorite cereal? Sasural Simar Ka?

You might want to change your accent as well. You sound like silencer from 3 idiots! If you haven’t watched it, please download it from PirateBay. After all, when it comes to piracy, Hindustan-Pakistan bhai-bhai!

Your mother’s death was tragic, but you can’t create all the vote banks on that, right? Ab me bapu ke naam pe vote thodi na maangta hoon. Do something pseudo-secular, with caution. Don’t get a fatwa. I know Imran uncle has retired from cricket, but he continues to bowl bouncers. And beware, he doesn’t want to get you bowled or caught behind the wickets; he wants to ensure that you are retired hurt. Kashmir k chakkar me, Pakistan ki siast na kho baithna dost. Frankly, after listening to that speech even I wouldn’t employ you- and that’s saying something.

Achha, when we didn’t allow your cricketers in the IPL for the first time, everyone was so angry, but you couldn’t do anything about it. Isn’t Kashmir a similar case? I understand that this is disheartening. When I am upset, I listen to A̶s̶h̶a̶r̶a̶m̶ ̶B̶a̶p̶u̶, baba Ramdev and do yoga before drinking Bournvita. Don’t you guys have babas or cool maulvis? We have so many and I love them all. Every few months, one of them screws up and the media focuses on them instead of me. Encroachments of c̶l̶e̶a̶v̶a̶g̶e̶s̶  privacy is also a hot topic in our media these days. I am not allowed to watch adult stuff, but I sneak into the bathroom with my ipad and watch it. While we are still on the subject, do you get Playboy in Pakistan? It’s too expensive here in black! Forget Kashmir, lets trade all these desi magazines! What FUN!

Did you know that in the recent floods in J&K, one particular thief (who had evaded the police until now) came to their rescue? He escaped later, but the cops claim that they weren’t being lazy and that they let him leave out of good will- like Amitabh Bachhan let Abhishek Bachhan go in Bunty aur Babli! It was so touching.

Do you still want Kashmir? Sorry, not happening. Even Alia Bhatt knows Kashmir was always an Indian territory. She said: “Pakistan India ka part tha. I want every inch of Pakistan back!” She is known to have approached the infamous YouTube channel All India Bakhchod for the same. If rumors are to be believed, Karan Johar has also been roped in.

Meanwhile, in Russia while we were doing all this masti, Putin made his hold on Ukraine stronger. So as of now just stick to the girls my boy. That’s what I do between elections! And the girls of your country are SO HOT- why involve yourself in politics? Please don’t do anything stupid. I have to face the consequences on this side of the border! People write to me on Facebook and Twitter about it! Some of them even have the atrocity to ‘poke’ me.

I have listed some of my favorite tweets for you to enjoy.

Chao chao.

1) Rituparna Chatterjee:

Someone teach Bilawal Bhutto the basic rules of street cricket. Dude if it isn’t your bat, you CANNOT take it home in a fit of surly tantrum

2) 3D ARNAB:

Nawaz Shariff: waiter, ek glass milk

Waiter: ye lo kheer

NS: kheer nahi milk

W: Sir doodh mangoge to kheer denge Kashmir mangoge to… 😉

3) No more nice Guy (I like this guy’s name): Guys, go easy on him. Bilawal Bhutto didn’t know that the crowd was a live audience.

My favorite was “hum train ke toilet me steel ka dabba bhi chain se bandh kar rakhte hai..ye Kashmir lene ki baat kar ra hai..”

Edited by Mrinaal Datt

Read more about her here.